My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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