I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just puked most of my soul out..
Will exercising make me less horny?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
