I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
