I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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