I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
