The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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