sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
