He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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