when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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