you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize