he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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