Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
