I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
