Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
