I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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