I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
