Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
