I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
