Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
