Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
