That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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