my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
