Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
