Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
