i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
