new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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