If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The beer is more important than you right now.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
