You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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