ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
