she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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