I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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