he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She's the barista slut.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
