so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
