I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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