You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
