I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
