im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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