Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
