im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
