did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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