Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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