I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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