i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
