There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
