Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
