The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
