I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So much Jack, so little girl.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
