im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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