He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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