You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
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