I have demons in me.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
