I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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