fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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