at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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