While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
