what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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