I don't usually arrange sex via text message
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Randomize
