Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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