id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You made out with two different species that night
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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