I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Randomize
