Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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