I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
