If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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