My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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