I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
