i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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